96° F Thursday, July 27, 2017

By John Gosselink

I’m constantly hearing about people getting in trouble on Twitter, writing stuff for which they have toJOHN GOSSELINK later apologize. Since I’m always looking for new and creative ways to get into trouble, I gave it a shot.

First of all, you “tweet,” not “twit,” which is confusing and, more to the point, there is virtually no discussion of bird calls while officially “tweeting.” How misleading is that?

Then, they have all these rules and esoteric jargon and never-used keystrokes, so “tweets” look like when the cat walks across the keyboard.

But, if I understand this new trend correctly – actually, now that I’m involved, it has officially become an old trend, which will be immediately out of favor with the cool kids – you make a little statement, make a number sign (#) which they call a “hashtag” that is supposed to link you to similar little statements, but is really a commentary on the statement.

But what to comment on, and what does the tag have to do with hash? And, now that I think about it, do I even like hash? Or even know what it is? Wait, check the hash talk. Your ADD is getting out of control. Back to the subject matter. That’s it – everything is subject matter on Twitter: what you’re doing, eating, thinking, hearing and any other piece of miniscule minutia about your life. But you know who’s great at meaningless miniscule minutia? Your friendly neighborhood kind of columnist. I thought I practice some tweeting before going online.

Here’s what I will tweet about:

- Living on the edge this morning. Made coffee by just pouring it in without using the little measuring spoon. Pretty good. #measuringisforlosers

- Used turn signal to leave driveway on an empty country road. I’m an excellent and careful driver. #What’swrongwithme?

- The hypnotic rhythm of the copiers made me try to start an impromptu office equipment-driven rendition of “We will rock you.” Everyone just stared at me. #lifeshouldbemorelikecandybarcommercials

- Did the fruit or the color come first with orange? #horriblewordforpoetry

- Even at 80, I have the feeling that Willie Nelson’s bus smells a bit “off.” #grandpasmellslikeareggaeconcert

- The cows in the pasture across the road were eyeballing me as I was barbecuing steaks. I think they may be on to me. #cowsbevengeful

- We could save a lot of money and resources if clowns would just release their carpooling technology. #BozoincahootswithOPEC

- Why is New York called the “Empire State?” What have they conquered? Weird. #newjerseyworried

- Gave a 10-minute lecture on the difference between “jealousy” and “envy.” No one cared. #enviousofmyknowledge

- Decided that not only is “moustache” a weird word – it’s not very descriptive. This needs to change. #hairlipfromnowon

- Did that embarrassing wave at someone who is actually waving to someone behind me. #pretendabeeisattacking

- Bought a new pair of running (snort) shoes. Hope they make me faster. #childhoodwasmorefun

- Tried to convince the wife that if we have another son, I want to name him Jehonadab. #Oldtestamentnamesrock

- Wife says we’re not having anymore children, so I can come up with any name I want, weirdo.


- I don’t think dogs would be very good drivers. #Fidodoesn’tuseturnsignals

- Why does network news only run commercials for pharmaceuticals? #OnlyoldpeoplewatchTVnow

- Isn’t the NBA really just a celebration of glandular problems? #unhealthilytall

- People climb Mt. Everest just “because it is there?” So is my couch. #muchlesschillyandoxygenated.

- I’m trying to find the definitive song about lawn mowing. As much time spent doing it has to have inspired someone. #Thinkingneildiamondshouldwriteit

- I wish the men wearing hats (not caps) would come back into fashion so I would have something to throw on the ground when dramatically angry. #Lookingcoolinafedora

- It must be hard to be a waitress at the Optimist’s Club #Yeahglasshalffullbutyouwantmoretea?

- In those old stock market movies when everyone just shouts, holds up fingers, and writes on little pads of paper, how accurate was the bookkeeping? #What, I didn’t buy those1,000shares.thatwastheothershoutingguy

- Why are doctors so morbidly afraid of apples? #What’sabananaadaygetyou?

- I sometimes wonder if the whole standardized testing system is just a conspiracy run by #2 pencil manufacturers. #Hasanyoneeverseena#3pencil?

- Did the invention of peanut butter spur incredible growth in the jelly market? #thismayonnaiseandjellysandwichishorrible

- We haven’t seen any advances in eating-utensil technology since the spork. #canIgetaknoonplease

- If I’m not careful, spellcheck will correct my last name to “gas leak.” #thewifethinksthisisaccurate

- I have never put gloves in a glove box. #ownersmanualandtirerecieptbox

- When someone gives me chocolate that has been in their pocket and is all warm and melty, I don’t enjoy it. #bodyheatnotforfoodpreparation

- I still don’t know if we eat “dinner” or “supper” in the evenings. #howaboutdarkeating?

- It’s hard to judge tone in text messages and Tweets. #Thiswassupposedtobefunny?

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